The path to Self Mastery is one of self-education, which is the practice of uncovering all aspects of your beingness. It is essential to know your anger, your joy, your grief, your destruction, your vulnerability, your power, your empathy, your insanity… all of it. These emotions/experiences are energy that not only run through our body but color our experiences. When we become keenly aware and masterful of these energies our entire lives change. We integrate with the power of our innate ability that allows us to heal and transform ANYTHING.

Many of my clients, like so many of us, feel misunderstood. There is a sense of not really belonging that has followed them for a lifetime and causes them to feel different than the rest. Possessing an ability to see through the bull@$%# leaves them to be able to see the truth around them. There is a frequent feeling of dissatisfaction with life. Some feel lost, some feel dead inside, some feel numb. Most do not possess the language yet for what they feel inside vs. what they see outside of themselves. There is a common theme with them all…. they have a deep knowing of something profound inside that they feel disconnected from. Their self-esteem is a bit off and their sense of self is clouded by the perception of others around them, parents, friends, partners, etc. They feel a distant vibrational echo within that they have spent a lifetime avoiding, denying, idealizing, trying to capture, running to or running from. They know they are different. They know something about themselves that the rest of the world doesn’t. They know within that echo that they are good and pure and yet feel so misunderstood and judged as wrong or troubled.
They come to my office and take a seat and all is revealed to me. I have yet again a Modern Day Superhero sitting before me.

I am once again graced with the presence of greatness unfolding. And I fall in love with their unknowing of this. I see the perfection and the purpose and the yearning to know more.

This process reminds me of the movie The X Men, which is based on the story of humans vs. mutants. The Mutants are humans with certain powers/gifts. They are looked at as the underbelly of society, they are judged as different and not normal. This causes most of them to have a “tough” exterior, a rebellious nature. They tend to make trouble or find themselves in trouble as they try to “fit in” to civilian life.

Fitting in means denying their powers/gifts that cause them to be out casts. Try as they might they never succeed at “fitting in” and become exhausted in their efforts.

They eventually find their way to Professor Charles Xavier’s University, whose primary goal is to create a world where Mutants and humans can co-exist. He takes them in and teaches them how to respect their powers/gifts and to stop denying their birthright. He teaches them how to use their powers/gifts to empower all of humanity. While going through this process you begin to see a sense of pride and responsibility grow within the Mutants. They become full of purpose and light and they master their powers/gifts and begin to use them for good to “save” the world and make it a better place, becoming Modern Day Superheroes.

The analogy of this Hollywood story is so obvious to me. I see it unfold in my clients. They all possess their own piece of the puzzle to the grand scheme of things; their piece of power to not only change their lives but to effect change in everyone and everything around them. The vibrational echo has been calling them to the University.

Their struggle lies in the trying to “fit in” to an image that has been fabricated out of the desire to fulfill someone else’s emptiness or lack of self.

When my clients are treated like Modern Day Superheroes they begin to respect their true nature. Dignity and self-acceptance is born. It is in those moments that they begin to remember why they came here – this lifetime, this way, with this cast and crew. And then they begin to get on with what fills their hearts. They get on with their unbridled passion, talents and greatness. They begin the practice of Self Mastery. And I am humbled by the transformation that takes place. And I fall in love with their knowing and rediscovery of who they truly are.

Are you a Modern Day Superhero?
I would love to hear from you colleen@thespiritoflight.org

That’s all well and good, but what do we do when the same arguments repeat themselves regarding each other’s behaviors? When one of us becomes the faultfinder and finger pointer and the other becomes the counter-point defensive line backer?

We have all thought at one time or another that if our partner would just change then life would be good. That we have discovered the faulty wiring in the relationship and it looks like our partner. That we have figured out the solution to all of the relationship’s problems and it’s time to issue our partner an order for a behavioral change. So what happens next? We demand change and demand change and demand change, beginning a cycle of conflict between our partner and us. This approach is usually counter-productive to what we are trying to accomplish, which is ultimately to experience a blissful, peaceful connection in the relationship.

This cycle of conflict we have created prevents us from being able to give them our full attention and really enjoy their true humanness; the good bad and the ugly. All the stuff we need for a healthy, functional, growth promoting relationship. We are unable to offer them full acceptance that is essential for dropping our defenses and building trust in the relationship. We are unable to give and receive love freely because we are now blocked by this conflict of the roles of demand-defense that we are locked in.

So what do we do? The experts say accept them for who they are. That’s easier said than done. What do we do with the conflict we feel between wanting what we want and offering acceptance to what is? This sets a standard that we are powerless and have no control over creating change in our relationship. This can feel defeating and many times triggers the fight or flight defense causing us to act out uncontrollably or threaten to leave the relationship all together.

Can we change our partner? Can we turn them into who we want them to be? The answer is no. But through practicing Alchemy, the ancient art of transforming a substance or energy of less value into a different substance or energy of greater value, we can influence how our partner behaves toward us. We can summon into being the change we desire in our partner. We can behave in ways that bring out the best and greatest potential in them, and in turn, in us.

Practicing Alchemy requires that we mirror to our partner that which we are seeking from them. We have to show our partner how we want to be treated by displaying that behavior. If you want more affection, be more affectionate not only to your partner but to yourself as well by taking care of yourself in a nurturing way. If your partner has a bad habit of being late when you have plans to go out, then the next time you have plans for 6 o’clock and 6 o’clock comes around and they have not arrived, drive yourself to the planned place leaving a note saying that you kept your plans as scheduled and that you would love for them to meet you there. This may not ultimately be what you wanted and may even seem radical, but in this you are showing your partner how you wish to be treated. You wish to be on time. You wish to follow through on the plans you make and agreements you have. You wish to have integrity and honor in your agreements and actions.

Continue behaving toward your partner and yourself the way you want to experience life. The minute you give that up, you are essentially doing to yourself what you accuse your partner of doing to you.

The truth is we will be treated the way we treat ourselves. This is why some experts have determined that when we find fault in our partner it is helpful to our spiritual and emotional growth to look within and see what part of our self is not allowing what we are seeking. If we are seeking more affection, we may be blind to an energy within us that prevents us from allowing receiving affection from our partner. Until we really look and take accountability, all we are aware of is that we are longing for affection and what we may not realize is that our longing is rooted in a life long pattern of not being able to take in affection. Our experience is that our partner does not give enough; our partner’s experience may be that they give and it’s not reciprocated, thus taking on the roll and belief by both of you that what they do is never enough. It is only until you are able to open yourself up to experiencing affection and nurturing from yourself that you will be able to change that dance. As you begin to practice giving to yourself you will automatically attract that from your partner in a way that you can experience it.

By identifying our own behavior we now have tapped the power to make the real changes occur. We now have the elements to apply Alchemy to our relationship and summon the behavior we are looking for in our partner. The practice of Alchemy is actually a shifting of energy. When we identify how we are contributing to the lack we are seeking to fill we begin to change our very vibration. In the terms of the Law of Attraction, we will attract what we think and vibrate, so think a different thought and change your vibration. By doing this we can change the very nature of our partner’s behavior toward us just by changing our behavior toward them. This first must start with changing our behavior toward our self by changing our thought vibration.

With practice we can learn that when we identify a behavior in our partner that we think needs changing, we first must look within to see where we need to make a vibrational change. This might be a change in our own behavior toward our self or our partner or a change in our thinking toward our self or our partner. Sometimes we believe that it is our partner that is guilty of bad behavior toward us and most often than not it is us that are doing the behavior in some way that is causing the tension.

When we stand poised with our hands on our hips, finger pointing rapidly we are in essence treating ourselves badly and teaching our partners to treat us the same. We are filled with anger and causing ourselves discord and anxiety. We are showing our partner that we are not open to anything else. When we are solid in our blame of our partner’s behavior being the problem, we are showing that there is no room for another experience. We are physically, emotionally and mentally closed off to receiving what we are accusing them of not giving us.

It is helpful to learn to identify what our partners and our needs are. In being able to identify our own needs and our partners’ needs we can better define what is really happening instead of just assuming they are consciously not giving us what we need. Behind every conflict and “off” behavior there is an unmet need. Defining an unmet need creates Alchemy to occur. Alchemy will almost always occur simultaneously in discovering an unmet need. Some unmet needs are easier to define than others. Whether you can actually reach the unmet need in yourself or your partner or not has no bearing on your process of practicing Alchemy. Use your own energy to change the situation. This is not about pretending you are ok with a behavior or “yessing” your partner to death in agreement. This is about truly changing your energy to allow for change to occur in you and your partner. Choose thoughts and behaviors that are in line with what you want.

We are our own territory and how we get treated is up to us. WE do have the power to summon change in one another. WE do have the power to create the experiences we want. WE do have the power to live the life we desire. By practicing and mastering Alchemy we open up the power to heal our partner, the relationship and ourselves.